How does the time in a day disappear so damn fast, that there is simply never enough of it?! I am finally sitting down to write...yes, write...man that sounds good. I love writing. I love blogging. I love to share my thoughts. Though lately, there never seems to be enough time to do it. Or, I'm not making it the priority I wish it could be. Several times a day, I jot notes of ideas to write about, an inspiration to give....or seek. But, the time needed to take a breath and sit down and write always seems to get put off.
It's not like I'm doing anything of less importance, clearly, my duties as the domestic engineer of this house and family are all-encompassing. But, the thoughts and stories are just nudging and itching to get out too.
As a mom to eight amazing and talented children, (nine if we count my husband as the eldest) it can be difficult to carve out moments for creativity. As much as I crave the moments to myself. I am more often than not, drawn to the needs of my family. I am by no means complaining....ok, yes I am. Although, that complaining also extends to a couple of my children that I would love to spend more time with -you know I'm talking to you- as they are busier and busier with their own lives. My kids range in age from 25, all the way down to 10 months. And even when the days leave me wanting to pull every last strand of hair out, I wouldn't trade it for the world.
Until recently, I hadn't discovered that this was one of the most important things I was meant to do. I haven't always embraced it as I do now. If you asked my kids they could certainly attest to the fact that there have been plenty of times I did not do things right or even close to well. I have, on many occasions, in the past put my wants ahead of their needs, and not be the mom they needed or deserved. Perhaps, some of that can be chalked up to being a young parent, but mostly I think it was because I was selfish, incapable and ignorant of the example I needed to be setting.
Luckily though, life continues to give you opportunities for change and growth.
Over the last few years, I have grown tremendously - the wrinkles and grey hairs can certainly speak to that! Some of it was because I had to and the rest was by a choice I made to be present each and every day and take my place as the matriarch of this family.
It's definitely a crazy bunch with personalities ranging from quiet and brooding, to quirky and bewitching. They have me fret with worry one minute and in stitches laughing the next. Their smiles are so engaging and tell a thousand little tales all on their own. While their tears break my heart time and time again. My older children are becoming the most impressive bunch of humans I could have only imagined they would be. This is because of and at times in spite of my involvement. I could never have imagined having this many kids in the beginning and now I can't imagine not having each and everyone one of their presences in my life. Such a mom thing to say, hey? But, it really is the truth. When the days are long and the money is short I still wouldn't have done it any differently. There are many other things I would have but, not these humans. And, when things seem really uncertain or I feel like I'm not getting the job done right, I have a fit, perhaps cry, scream, most certainly scream and then challenge myself to be ever more present in their lives.
In being present, I am striving each and every day to stay plugged in and getting to know the people I have brought into this world on their individual levels. We have always been a huggy bunch who have never been afraid to say "I love you" but, now that hug is a bit of a tighter squeeze and that "I love you" has even more depth.
Taking the time to listen, really listen to each of them and the conversations we share has a newfound importance. Kissing away tears, talking away fears, and convincing others to visit more -you know who you are.
Learning to take time for myself, for my relationship with my husband, are also growing concepts with ever-changing learning curves. I'm making a concerted effort to bypass the mom guilt and address past mistakes, learning from them and moving forward. I'm still not afraid to say no and my children have seen me come unglued as the mom hulk who rants and screams -as the younger ones like to call me. But, when I am looking back over the days, weeks and years, the good is now definitely starting to outweigh the bad and that my friends, is as certain as it gets.