What do you write when life gets complicated and unpredictable? When the stories you have to tell are not as light or humorous as they have been? Do you write them anyhow?
I have sat down and begun not one or two but, three posts that I have wanted to have completed by now. I have been challenged although, by writing things that just don't seem authentic to my current mood or life. In fact, since I started this post things have begun to change and it feels as if a dreary cloud has begun to lift.
If it weren't for the growth I experience on a personal level during times of uncertainty when that dreary cloud is heavy, I think I would throw in the towel and run for the hills - I've come close on a few occasions.
The preverbal existence of a seemingly "perfect" family tends to leave me exhausted in my continued attempt to achieve the unachievable. It's an unattainable myth that leaves me second guessing so many steps I have taken. I find I am often wishing for a second chance to avoid the pitfalls, bypass the mistakes and circumvent the moments of my past that make me cringe in my lack of forethought, experience, and just plain common sense. In truth, this isn't always such a bad thing to wish for. However, when it becomes so taxing that you lose sight of the sanctity of the family unit it's time to reevaluate and modify the parts that are no longer conducive to the whole picture.
Why oh why can we not have the ability to take a gander back in time and chat with our younger selves? Whisper that a different choice would be better or to not be so rash in thought or action? To stop pissing away time and precious moments? Smarten up and stop being so selfish and careless with life choices? And when we are done with the verbal smack up the side of the head, offer the assurance to our younger selves that things will work out how they were meant to despite how hard we may work at trying to screw them up. That although it won't be easy, we will make it through smarter, wiser and with permeant worry lines on our foreheads?
I wonder, would I even listen?
Have you ever had those moments where you wonder how you got here? How the distance with your partner makes you wonder if you ever really took a close enough look at them to see who they really are? Whether you actually had fundamental similarities for your family or if you just saw what you wanted to see? And while you're pondering that thought, have you also ever wondered if the nervousness you see in your son, the way he continually cracks his knuckles or pulls at his hangnails is because you didn't fill his emotional bucket the way you wish you had? Or whether your daughters uncertainly about themselves maybe because they heard you say so many times how uncertain you were about yourself? Or that they just don't believe you when you tell them to love everything about themselves because they are amazing people considering you don't always do that yourself either? Or, that your kids have come to believe that all Mommies and Daddies fight and scream at each other without seeming to care that they are standing right there?
Big swallow....
Hanging on and hanging in there always seemed like the smart choice, the choice that was best for the kids, the finances and yes, even appearances. But, maybe that is not always the right thing to do?
Life is fleeting, very unforgiving in time and it is so frustrating!
I'm learning the art of slowing down, opening my eyes to really see the things around me, really see my marriage and where it sits in the ideals of my life. Realize and stick to the certainty that I am only in control of my own thoughts and actions. That others may affect me, however, they will not define me. Their choices are their own and there is a possibility we may never find commonality in that but, that there is always hope where a desire for change exists.
SlowIy, together with my husband, we are beginning to take down the walls we have built. Moving past the wrongs and getting back to the roots of our original ideas of the family we wanted to create. I've been revisiting the late night conversations we had when we first began dating, sitting on the couch in my one bedroom apartment making such fantastic plans for our future.
Just typing that brings a smile to my face and takes me back to those memories I have not thought about in years.
I am going to bring this post to a close, omitting an ending as I do not, as of yet have a conclusion to this tale. My hope is to revisit this post in six months and again in a year from now and check in on where tomorrow and the next day have taken me. I have an idea of where I want that to be however, I don't know if that is the direction life will take. So, I will keep putting one foot in front of the other and do my best to steer it where I want it to go.
