I wanted to sit down and write my thoughts about this past year, and my thoughts as a new year begins.

I can't say I have ever truly made an effort to consider a year's events in any deep form as it comes to a close. However, during this last month of December, I have really felt the pull to do so.

Although I have experienced difficult years, the events this past year have definitely been challenging and unrelenting. This past year has been unique and unprecedented in its ability to bring me to my knees.

In the past, I have lived through the loss of not only one child but two, and both of those losses left me empty and adrift.

Our family has also survived the loss of a home due to an insurance claim gone terribly, terribly wrong. A claim that left us living in a hotel for a year while repeat attempts to fix the problem through our insurance company were disastrous. This was followed by the urgency to rent a furnished home for another year while we were forced to take the matter through the courts. We carried the costs of the hotel, rental house, and our own home during this time. That experience cost us most of our savings, and the lawsuit was not successful like we had hoped it would be. Further to this, we lost all of our belongings due to others' negligence and took a huge loss as we had to sell that home as-is, disclosing the problem we didn't even cause.

Somehow, through those difficult times, there was the knowledge that we could still provide for our family. That even though our hearts may be breaking or our lawsuit may linger and prove fruitless. We still had a starting point to begin again.

This past year has taken that from us, and this is the first new year we will enter without solid ground under our feet to begin to move forward. To feel we have the power to steer this ship in a new direction.

The months leading up to Christmas have really provided a focus for me. A distraction from the lingering fear that if I stop for a moment to think, the overwhelming panic and fear will take over. I need to constantly keep moving, keep busy, not pause, and consider how serious our current situation is. There have been moments I have paused for a quick time, and even then, I feel the crumble begin, and I quickly redirect my thoughts. We are doing everything we know how to do to change our circumstances, but so much of it is out of our control.

Our focus is also to shelter and protect our children from the knowledge of our situation as much as we can. We smile, laugh, and keep the children as busy as possible with activities we can do together. Of that, I am truly proud.

We have kept our circumstances private with the exception of a select few who we know and trust. When I consider why that is, I can only surmise that we hoped it would correct itself before it was too late. Perhaps also our pride or the fear that people may think it is somehow something we deserve.

A post a few weeks ago, I wrote, was the first time I had ever publicly eluded that this was our truth. I am writing about it again now as I no longer want to feel hidden, isolated, or shameful for our circumstances. I still believe we are the forgotten fallout of COVID-19 and the subsequent downturn of the economy. I no longer want to hide in the shadows of this pandemic and watch and listen as people speak only to their own situation and how we all should follow as one. Unfortunately, we are not one, and this pandemic's economic side is as important as the virus itself.

Like many others, I am sure to have experienced, this past year has really taught us who our family and friends are. It has tested my faith like never before, which has been a difficult position to be in as my faith has been my constant. It saw me through our two children's loss and the two years we spent navigating our home insurance claim.

I have reached a point where being silent is no longer a healthy thing. As much as I have written or exposed my life through my website and social media, I have always kept a sharp distance between barring it all and what I really want people to know. I am fiercely independent and strong and have somehow internalized that to being quiet regarding personal matters.

I am not looking for pity; I loath pity.

I want to be included in the equation and for my voice to be heard.

As we enter into this new year, I do not feel hopeful. For my children's sake and mine and my husbands, I desperately want this to change.

With this new year, please let there be an answer, a solution. Please, I pray, let us find our way out of this. Please let us find peace and stability once again. Please let all of us find a new and better way as people, as part of a larger community. To be aware of others and not just what fits or works for ourselves alone. To seek out your family members, friends, neighbours, and coworkers and ask them how they are. Let us be more aware, less judgemental, and more inclusive and caring of others.

Let's make this new year not only different; let us make it safe for conversations where all of us can be considered and heard.