I suck at this! There I said it.
My 4 year old fell asleep for an unplanned nap today but he fell asleep sad. Sad because I was angry with him for peeing his pants again. I cleaned him up as I spoke angrily at him and then sent him to sit on his bed so I could take a breath and figure out where to go from here. When I checked on him he was asleep and all I could think as I looked at my little boy was that he went to sleep sad. I never want him to feel sad but today I caused him to be.
It seems so easy in your head, something is bugging him and he has started having accidents again. You know the answers as to why, but somehow the inability to gain instant perspective takes over and you react in a way you wished you hadn’t. You let yourself down and in turn, let him down too.
You promised and promised yourself that you would get more sleep, that you wouldn’t fight with your husband in front of the kids again. Be more patient, organized and make more time for the family. But, somehow it never seems to fully evolve into an action that sticks. Don’t get me wrong, you improve on somethings and at times even most things but then BOOM..….your back to square one. Fighting the same fights with your husband and wondering is it ever going to really work? There are school bus fees with new deadlines, fees for chemistry tutoring, the much-needed shed. Money keeps flying out the window for this expense and that. Things you knew were coming but the pinch is still the same. The garage needs attention, that mirror needs to be hung, will I ever get a chance to organize the office or put that bookshelf fully together? Then there's that all elusive family time that gets placed on the back burner for just one more weekend. The list goes on and on and on.
I mean what happened? Where did the time go? How are we 20 years later already? What happened to the idea that things would work themselves out in time? I’d grow and mature with all the understanding and patience needed?
Admittedly, I have made many gains in these areas but wow, how quickly life can humble you.
I had this idea of how I wanted things to be. What my family would look like, my marriage, the type of mother I would be. Well, I’d be lying if I said I achieved that idea as closely as I had hoped. It would seem it is time to re-evaluate those ideas.
The thing is, I’m stuck. I have no idea if turning right or turning left, heading up or heading down is going to lead me where I want to be and it frustrates the hell out of me. I know in life we always have choices and the ability to change our circumstances. But, that doesn't mean those choices are ever easy. I have to tell myself daily, hourly and yes even sometimes every minute that I can only do what I can do. The truth is though that I feel I must reach even deeper and do even more. More seeking, meditating (start at least), praying (although that's a tricky one for me right now), learning, loving and most of all reaching new levels of patience and understanding.
Well, that sounds simple. I have the plan now all I have to do is check all of these off and my life will be smooth sailing.……no, I am not that naive nor am I that tireless.
So tonight I am going to go and bath my kids, laugh at their silliness as they prolong their bedtime, kiss them endlessly while I tell each one of them how special and loved they are. Most of all, I am going to be thankful for another shot at making our story even better tomorrow.
